A Letter to My 29-Year-Old Self

It seems like just yesterday that I was in my twenties. How young I was! How naïve; how immature. I’ve learned so much now that I’m 30. I’ve learned so much in the last 30 years, so in exchange, I impart these words of wisdom to my 29-year-old self (not that it will do you any good). I chose 30 of my favorites, one for each birthday I’ve celebrated.

  1. Cook new things fearlessly. Nothing you make will ever be as awful as the Fried Rice Fiasco of 2007.

  2. You’re pretty and smart and can do anything you set your mind to. Except dance. And sing. Sorry, you’re up a creek on those.

  3. Never order fettuccine alfredo when you’re eating in a diner. You won’t forget that one. It’s the “When in Rome…” principle.

  4. You may pay for Taco Bell with money, but you will pay all day.

  5. Use your powers for good. Just because your insane memory helps you remember the siblings of your friend from grade school doesn’t mean they’ll appreciate the awkward conversation you’re about to start.

  6. Being known in your office for saying, “Sometimes it takes a mean woman to get stuff done,” does nothing to help the stereotype.

  7. There are healthy boundaries and unhealthy boundaries. They are best observed in dealing with how much food to put on your plate, not people.

  8. Question things. But maybe don’t sound like a three-year-old in the hamster wheel of “Why?”

  9. Read good books. Don’t waste your time on junk. (Recent examples include Twilight and the Christian knock-offs of young adult dystopian fiction. They exist. Really.)

  10. One of the downsides to having hipster music taste is that no one will get your song references.

  11. Know how far is too far… when it comes to telling jokes. #storyofmylife

  12. You probably shouldn’t tell your most embarrassing story the first time you meet someone… unless you plan for it to be your last.

  13. Living by yourself without pets isn’t sad or lonely – it’s reason for celebration. Another year of successfully not turning into a cat lady!

  14. Regarding #2, you also can’t rap. Or make crafts without losing your temper. Sorry for crushing your dreams. You can do anything you want to, except the stuff you actually can’t.

  15. It is perfectly rational to choose not to stand on an unsturdy surface for fear of falling and hitting your head when no one is at home.

  16. If you have to choose between judging your friend and blocking him/her on Facebook, blocking is the better option.

  17. This phrase is helpful: “You can lead a horse to water but you can’t make him drink.” I’m making a pretty big assumption here because I’ve never actually led a horse to water or tried to make him drink.

  18. Never let fear keep you from playing the game. By “fear” I mean concern about awful candid photos. By “the game” I mean going out in public. The struggle is real.

  19. You know you’re an adult when it’s cool to be a nerd. Think I’m kidding? How many adults geek out over Harry Potter, the Hunger Games, and Divergent? Case made.

  20. It’s important to be able to figure out what’s high quality and what’s not. Ask the person who spent money on iPod dock and used it once.

  21. If you find a book called Bad Girls of the Bible and send it to your friend, be ye unsurprised when you receive it as a gift.

  22. “It’s important to finish what you start,” say 75 percent of the books on my bookshelf, all unread.

  23. Never put off until tomorrow what you can do today. Unless you really can put it off until tomorrow, then do.

  24. Things from my childhood that are obsolete: Cassette tapes, Yak Baks, Tamagotchies, Doc Martens, JNCOs. Things that I hope become obsolete for today’s kids: Selfies, #YOLO, Ke$ha, Social media, Spongebob.

  25. One day, I will send a family photo-style Christmas card with only me and someone else’s dog.

  26. If at first you don’t succeed, take a nap, hit up Sonic happy hour, and try try again.

  27. A picture is worth a thousand words. For example, the white cliffs of Dover, the Sistine Chapel, and animal memes.

  28. If you’re trying to talk to someone who speaks a language you don’t know, talking louder and pronouncing more will help… the people around you get a good laugh at the idiot.

  29. If you’re short, height is just a number… unless you find someone you’re taller than.

  30. It’s okay – nay, good – to make fun of cheesy Christian junk sayings that don’t make sense.